October is a baby loss awareness month among other things. My guest blogger this month is a beautiful lady I went to high school with and she wanted to share her journey.

1.Tell us a bit about yourself, your family and your pregnancy and babies.

My name is Norma and I am 32 years old and been married for 3 years. I found out I was pregnant December 3 2017 with twins. My pregnancy was hard during the first trimester as I had terrible bouts of nausea and it later got better during my second trimester.
Everything went quite well until I reached 26 weeks. My tummy had ballooned and I couldn’t do much.

Week 28 I was studying with friends in preparation for exams and I started leaking. My waters had broken but I wasn’t in any pain. I got admitted and was immediately given a shot to help the babies’ lungs to develop. I was in hospital for a day and by next evening at around 11pm I started to have cramps. Early the next morning I was fully dilated and gave birth to my twins.
My baby boy wasn’t doing well and couldn’t breath on his own and I later lost him after 2hrs of giving birth to him.

My baby girl was 960g but could breath on her own so she was placed in NICU. She was well for about 2 weeks and then aspirated after a feed and began having apnoea attacks. It was the worst moment of my life watching her fight for her life and lost her later that day.

2.If you could describe your life now in one word, what word would you choose and why?

I would say hard because I still have visions of everything that went on and I try to figure out were I went wrong. I blame myself at times because I think, maybe I didn’t rest enough and went into PPROM (preterm premature rapture of the membranes). It’s hardest thing knowing I was pregnant and have nothing to show for it.

3.What’s one way you wish your family/friends would have supported you in the first couple weeks post-loss?

I wish they could have given me space to figure everything out. Every person coming had their own opinion and didn’t understand what I was going through. If they could just take time to just listen to me not to give me their opinion.

4.What’s one question you wish they wouldn’t ask?

I wish people wouldn’t ask me what really happened because its like reliving the whole heartache. Especially friends . I am just finishing off my degree and you can imagine how many university friends I have. I am constantly getting asked that question so many times.

5.How have you integrated the loss of your child into your everyday life?

Life hasn’t been easy and it has affected me greatly. I can’t really say I have integrated my loss into my daily life yet as I am still in the process of trying to find myself after all this. I can’t hold somebody else’s baby without calling them Nala my beautiful daughter whom I lost. I still cry every night before sleeping and I struggle to breath at the sight of a hospital. The wound in my heart is still too fresh. Therapy will help a lot so that I can carry on and accept that God had a purpose. Its hard to just say ok it happened and move on. However I want to become a full time volunteer and assist abandoned children. I value kids more now as I have realised how special and precious they are.

6.If you could offer another bereaved parent some hope to hold onto, what you would tell them?

I would say its ok to cry and time will heal you. I would also say its not the end you can always try again wen u feel ready and things will go differently. In the end happiness and satisfaction will be found.

7.What do you find to be the most horrific, gut-wrenching, torturous part about life after the loss of your child?

Realising my actual due date is arriving and wondering how things could have been if hadn’t gone into PPROM.

8.What is your biggest trigger, and what helps you cope when it hits?

Seeing their clothes. We had started preparations for the babies and had everything. I have given them all away.

9.What helps you most when you feel waves of anger, despair, or grief?

I cry my heart out and that help make me feel better.

10.If you could tell your babies anything, what would it be?

I would tell them I miss them. I love them very much with every fibre in my body and I would have done anything if I knew how to keep them in my tummy a bit longer just so they would get to full term or develop a bit longer for me to have them in my arms right now.